I had hoped that it would go back as it was before, when it was a dull feeling, a loneliness that didn’t feel intrusive. It was the default and I was okay with that. Now I’m not. It is intrusive, it makes me feel more awkward than I probably am and make me look for faults in myself. Because I’m the only fixed point in all of this, the fault must be here. That’s the thoughts that come uninvited and I can’t deflect them always. Some sneaky fuckers make it through and while I know it’s bullshit, I also don’t know that and believes it. Because I’m the only common denominator.
And now, 1:45 am, I’m… Fuck, it’s in Hank Williams country. I don’t cry but the loneliness is cold and I feel it deep in the marrow. The twine of anxiety in the stomach tries to make me acknowledge it, but I don’t. Don’t want to give in, and I know I can shake that. The loneliness I don’t know how to fight any more — to feel love and be loved back, that pairing seems to be for other people than me. I used to be okay with this too. Funny how things change (except it’s not funny at all to me. Perhaps a little bit funny due to the whole “Nicklas has a problem with opening up and being close to people.”)
I also think I’m banned from using the word “okay” for a while. That quota is all used up.
Just managed to stare down an anxiety attack. It feels as if I pretended to be someone else and pointed towards an innocent bystander — as if it’s a possession of a ghost or something and not something that comes from inside. Perhaps I truly am getting better and have strength I’ve hidden from myself for too long.
I am a bit more okay than in a long while I think. Not happy, just realised again that happy is on a different emotional axis. Perhaps, one day I’ll be both.
Anyways. I don’t think I could have done this if not people and friends on the Internets had made me laugh today or given support earlier this wretched week. I think most of you know why you are. Thank you, there are few things out there that really matter and for me you’re part of that. When we meet — when and not if, the world is rather small — I owe you a hug, a smile, something. And if you ever find yourselves visiting me, for that duration what’s mine is yours.
Today has been harrowing. There’s been feelings of okayness, and breakdowns where I really hated myself (but managed not to cry), slight smiles, big twine-ball of anxiety, notions of both “people like me” as well as “I’m not the loneliest person in the world but damnit, that’s what it feels like.” Whiny melodrama, thy name is my brain today. At least for brief moments.
I do wish my friends lived closer though. I do wish I wasn’t so awkward. I wish whenever I’m happy, it wouldn’t crumble apart all the time. Wishes are stupid but still…
(Most of today though, to avoid all the bad thoughts, I buried myself in RPG campaign planning.)
This week I’ve felt more alone than I’ve done in a long long time. Trying to reach out, it’s working so-so. I don’t fear that my friends will not bother — despite my abandonment issues, so that’s a good thing. No, I fear it might not be enough, that scares me a great deal.
try looking back on all you’ve made and grown, both as a distraction and a reminder. i hope everything is ok, be careful with wanting numbness. that’s a dark road. you are strong :)
No, I’m not strong. I really am not. I can be stubborn at times and that might seem like strength but it isn’t. I’m weak and prone to fall apart and with a far too easily damaged sense of self-worth. That’s why there have been thought of “this was for the best” and “I deserve this” in a few variations. Or maybe I am strong in parts, not sure of much right now.
But yeah, don’t want to be numb all the time. Just… now. This week or so.
pikkutiikeri replied to your post: Fuck the hiatus. I thought it was a good idea, but…
And thank you all. Still prepared to pay for hugs though. I got cookies I don’t want to eat.
Fuck the hiatus. I thought it was a good idea, but I’m not sure any more. Especially not now at 2AM. Friends are good, no? The day went pretty ok, despite that I couldn’t sleep until the brain shut down around 10AM. There were bouts of tears and stuff but randomly distributed and further between — were as now when the clocks line up, things roll back and it’s harder not to cry. Memories, dreams, feelings, everything’s tangled up. It’s a bit better than yesterday though, despite this. Just don’t want to do anything. But I’ll be okay soon, I hope, and we’ll talk even though it won’t be as before or as I wanted or… So fucking sick of “or”. So sick of tears too. And me. And everything. (Not everything. Not people I like, never want to give them up no matter what.)
Try not to give in, raise the walls again and out of defence fill the moat with industrial strength sarcasm. I liked who I was just now, damnit. I liked being happy too. I think I’ll try to be happy despite it all. Not now, but soon. Don’t have a clue about how…
Whenever I reblog something in order to comment on it and previously this has been liked and shared around and everyone seem to scream “yeah! this!,” I always get a bit worried. Hesitant even. Because here I come with an unpopular view and throws shit around myself and am occasionally a bit rude while doing so. And I fear people will leave and scoff and look at me with a laser gaze of dislike.
Then I post it anyway, being on the popular side has never been my lot anyway. The fear is still there though, it can linger for hours.
The world is sort of sticky. The air, it sticks to the skin. It doesn’t cool the way I want it to do. The flow is hardly even a breeze. I need a fridge with a bed in it, but I don’t want to evict any penguins. Somehow, I need to learn to live and not just abide.
Distant to everyone. There’s a rift. It happens from time to time, this one started up on… Wednesday I think. It was sudden and in a minute it was there separating me from about everyone I follow on Twitter. The effect is bigger there since I write and follow quite a large chunk of Swedes — and there’s more socialisation between people outside of Internet. This makes them closer but still further away than some people here. And I don’t socialise as much as I’d like but I’m not sure that would remove the rift even if I did. Some of it is probably really there, some of it is projected from me as a defence and I’m sure a a large bit is a phantom rift that don’t really exist. That doesn’t matter though, I see it, it’s there. Real or imagined.
This is why I haven’t used Twitter in three days.