an awkward [reality] break

Once we had snow by now. Feels like ages ago, fifteen years back the very least. Some people are happy about this shift of seasons since they don’t like the snow. Me? I love it. Not when it’s too much but the way the breath clouds and the scrunchy sound the feet make when they take a step. And then there’s the light, it makes the days brighter. (The there’s the knitwear, of course.)

These people who say “thank God no snow” are delisiounal though. It will come, later around Januari instead of early November and it will be harshed and more of it. Snow storms didn’t used to be a staple of the Swedish winters.

I’m terrible at the Skype/Google Hangout thing, I ramble and look down into the table and all of those things one probably shouldn’t. And I mumble too and sort of panics. But it’s nice to talk to people who are great — that wins out easily. Internet, it’s amazing.

This summer has been a bit annoying for several reasons. One of them is the weather. It’s shifted, never really staying the fuck in one mode which in turn make my head ache and feel like it’s going to explode. (It hasn’t yet, but please, all you scanners out there, you don’t have to prod much for it to happen so please be careful around me, ok?) At least that’s my theory — there’s been two days of warm weather and now it’s shifted again. And the headache has returned.

The original plan was to travel about and see people. That didn’t happen as the money was scarcer than I thought. Very annoying. There are people I really want to see and laugh and spend time with. Witch reminds me: perhaps I ought to get a passport…

I also have a insect bite on a toe — it itches — and trouble with a stretch muscle in my right foot — it hurts but has gotten much better the last week.

Guilt. It’s a thing that appear from time to time. Being secular, I’m not quite sure of the details but I suspect I would have been a natural Catholic — apart from the whole follow orders from a silly old man in an even sillier hat deal.

This time, it’s guilt about communication. Or lack of it as I at time grow silent even though I don’t want to. Not really. It’s just that small talk has never been a skill I’ve been well versed in and on Internet that’s even worse. The thing si I don’t want to be that quiet, I want to talk about lots of things but through Internet, that doesn’t work so well at the moment. This guilt that grows from this is even worse in that some people, you’re too fucking far away. And I want to share life and not only words.

Of this silence that happens from time to time, I’m sorry. (Especially to you.)

We talk about the medicine, the side effects and the experience with the doctors. We talk about dosage, the things they make us do and do not do. But you know, we don’t talk about what made us seek help in the first place. What happened then, it’s implied and while there might be lots of different scenarios and the severities of back then, we still don’t have to be specific. Details comes when one is ready to talk about it, if ever. We get the bits that are important: we felt bad, horrible even, and we wanted to be better.

I thought most people got it, but I realise that it isn’t so. Those who haven’t been there, they most often don’t know shit. The tell-tale is in the judgemental tones. Because of course they know and of course it’s not special. They’ve been there too — except that they obviously haven’t. If they had, they wouldn’t need to pretend to know but they would get it. These people, they’ll never get it though. They’re the people — at times even family — that the details stay hidden from just because they’re so horrible at getting it. “It’s no big deal going through that. I’ve had it bad too, you know?”

Details comes with trust. the right kind of trust. It’s my birthday in 17 days. There was a time when I thought that this one was one I wouldn’t experience. (Or the one two years ago, that one had a nice number.)

I’m sure you’ve been there. It’s in the middle of the night, no really, smack in the middle. 3AM. You sit there in the bed, the weather was nice during the day so the room is warm enough to not freeze despite lack of… You get the idea. There, at that time it hits you hard. You miss people. People you spent time with last week, people you met briefly last year, and then the ones you’ve never met at all. The first two cases, it’s possible to fall back onto memories or anything. But the third case? Oh fuck, those itch.

How it is even possible? But it’s there and I rub my eyes. I miss everyone and it’s nothing sudden about it. That song lies about that, just as it doesn’t mention sharing cookies. Because I do got cookies to share — especially at 3AM.

Since I’ve never been popular this means I’ve gotten addicted to the other end of the like-game. Addicted is probably not the right word though, since I don’t seek it out but nonetheless. It’s the who liked an not the amount of likes that matters. I think it’s a good thing, keeps the ego down and not fall into the “I’ve only had a hundred retweets today! What am I doing wrooooong?!” trap — I’ve seen people fall into that one and to watch them try… It’s heartbreaking. But better they’d be broken than me right? Yeah, I think so too. (Talking to oneself on a blog must be a sure sign of insanity.)

Except of course whan I’ve done something I’m sure the good people will like and there’s nothing. That kills me a bit. But as they say: a bit of death has never killed anyone.

Now, let’s get some tea!

Tomorrow: tacos and friends and beer and bad movies. We’re thinking of Triassic Attack or Sand Sharks. And yeah, we do start with a better movie. Beer is needed. Unleash movies like that on a sober mind? That’s suicidal and I’m not like that anymore.

I was away this weekend and had a great time. Spoiled it by going home — where I live that is, it doesn’t feel like a home though — but there is a limit how long you can sleep on friends floor without feeling like an intruder and I reached that twice this time. Don’t think they feel the exact same thing but that’s why they’re my friends. I really need a job and move closer to people. Really really. And then I need to visit people in places such as San Francisco, New York, Brighton, and well, other places too. Lots of places. For such a small world, the fucker sure likes its distances.

Oh, I’ve also seen the new Muppet movie three times and it makes me cry. Not the amount, but the movie. It pushes buttons but in the right way.

On the floor, technically on a mattress, with the laptop on a stool and a wacom board in my lap. It’s pretty dark and my host is asleep (that made me sound like a parasite…). The Unthanks in headphones and it seems as if they’re here, circling around me in the darkness, whispering words of comfort and despair.  It’s a pretty decent life right now, possibly since I’m away and that somehow always manages to make things seem better — even when things go wrong.

Perhaps there are stuff in the air here, or it’s easier to ignore the bad