In today’s GPOYW: the divided self-esteem.
Regular readers — many of whom still haven’t said “hi” (I count being followed as an “heeello” so you tumblrs are off the hook for now) — know or at least have figured out that this self esteem isn’t something I got in huge quantities. Second guesses and odd ideas, and that part about other people? I could talk about that for hours.
This could be a good thing. This might also be severe delusions. I’d like to believe that I have quality instead of quantity. Correct or delusions? Who knows? Who cares? I think it works for me, at least right now. While I might have problem with myself, and I do, I don’t have that about my output. It’s weird, I know, it makes no sense whatsoever. It’s a bit like mathematics, only less evil.
I know when what I do is great and when it’s just so-so. There’s been exclamations of “this is bloody fantastic!” with out even a hint of lies and self-deception. Then of course I’ve let it lie there unused because I couldn’t muster up enough to actually show it to people. Never been loud about what I do, but I’m working on that. I’m also working a bit on keeping the arrogance in check — this might not be noticeable from the outside but it’s there inside my head and it bothers me.