Should I write something about the Oscars?  Fuck no. There are more important things I’ve been thinking about. Like the Official Rules of Night Badminton! Exciting, yes? It should be, any game where you get to use the phrases “that was close!” and “there it is!” is amazing. Since I got no real clue about sports at all the rules will be sketchy. Also, they’re a work in progress.

• A game of NB must be played at night, outside, in the dark.
• Light sources of fire close by or on the field is okay.
• A game is five rounds where-in a round is a arbitrary concept which the combatants agree on beforehand.
• There are four combatants in each game. The field is four areas in a square.
• Two points when you hit the ball, one point when you’re close to hitting it, and minus one if you have to look for it when you’ve missed. Three points if you hit the ball on someone else’s area.
• You must hit the ball towards the other combatants but there are no rule about which one.
• If it’s windy, your arms will be sore the morning after. There will be masturbation jokes.
• If a combatant dies during a game, it will win automatically. Because really, it’s a shitty way to go. While it’s still embarrassing, at least this way their family can say they won.
• A tournament needs the following equipment besides a field and a fistfull of rackets:

1. A whiteboard
2. Pens in different colours
3. A flashlight
4. A drunk judge
5. Cheese

• Talk about other things during the game by the combatants are encouraged. So are drinking beer.
• If you play to win, you’re doing it wrong.