I had hoped that it would go back as it was before, when it was a dull feeling, a loneliness that didn’t feel intrusive. It was the default and I was okay with that. Now I’m not. It is intrusive, it makes me feel more awkward than I probably am and make me look for faults in myself. Because I’m the only fixed point in all of this, the fault must be here. That’s the thoughts that come uninvited and I can’t deflect them always. Some sneaky fuckers make it through and while I know it’s bullshit, I also don’t know that and believes it. Because I’m the only common denominator.
And now, 1:45 am, I’m… Fuck, it’s in Hank Williams country. I don’t cry but the loneliness is cold and I feel it deep in the marrow. The twine of anxiety in the stomach tries to make me acknowledge it, but I don’t. Don’t want to give in, and I know I can shake that. The loneliness I don’t know how to fight any more — to feel love and be loved back, that pairing seems to be for other people than me. I used to be okay with this too. Funny how things change (except it’s not funny at all to me. Perhaps a little bit funny due to the whole “Nicklas has a problem with opening up and being close to people.”)
I also think I’m banned from using the word “okay” for a while. That quota is all used up.